How To Succeed: Life Lessons I Learned By Being Born Last

When people learn that I am the youngest of nine children (yes, I said nine), eight of them boys, they have one of a few reactions:

‘You must have been so spoiled!’

‘Your parents really wanted a girl!’

‘You must have been such a tomboy!’

All of those things are true, for the most part. I was pretty spoiled in a lot of ways, my parents did really want a girl and I was, and still am, sort of a tomboy (though I hate the use of that word – that’s another entry all together). I don’t think that any of those things were the result of my being the youngest, though; I would have been a spoiled “tomboy” regardless of the number of siblings that I had, maybe primarily because my parents did want me really badly. What I actually got out of my experience as the youngest child are some of the best life lessons I’ve ever learned…and also, I’m still kind of spoiled.

I realize that some of you didn’t grow up with the privilege of being the youngest (you poor things), so I have compiled a short list of what I’ve learned as a youngest child.  You’re welcome.

If someone tells you no, ask someone else until you get what you want.
This might seem annoying to some people (parents, only children), but it works. People ask me how I manage to get things that other people quietly covet; things they either don’t ask for or don’t think they are entitled to. Take it from a youngest child: YOU ARE ENTITLED TO EVERYTHING, even things you’re not entitled to. Mom won’t let you go out with your friends tonight? Ask Dad. Keep asking around, someone will eventually give you what you want, if for no other reason than to shut you up. Life still works this way. Be polite (don’t be a Veruca), but be persistent.  See something you want? Keep asking until someone gives it to you, or will point you in the direction of the gatekeeper. (note for later: make friends with the gatekeeper, always)

Observe before you speak, it will give you the upper hand.
As the caboose of a very long train, the smartest move I’ve ever made was to stand back and study. The same is true in life. If you’ve taken the time to study your surroundings and the people in it, you will have a much better idea of how to approach the chaos. Don’t just step into a situation blindly: you’ll get sucked into the eye of the storm that way. Be a student of humanity, understand what makes people tick, and you’ll understand how to communicate with them. Also, be charming. It works every time.

You have to learn to deal with different kinds of people.
One thing that is guaranteed in a large family is that personalities will be vastly different. I have eight brothers; that means eight different “types” of people swarming around me. Despite the common misnomer about large families, we don’t always all get along. We’re very different, but we have to coexist and learn to respect one another. If we can’t do that, well, then, holidays are going to suck. In life, we’re constantly surrounded by people who we can’t relate to and have nothing in common with. Deal with it. Learn to coexist. Or don’t. Just don’t come crying to me when your holiday work party sucks and you have a miserable time with “the guy who burps your name” too much.

Learn to self-soothe
God, I can’t stress this enough. Being part of a large family where everyone was always moving meant that there wasn’t always someone around to entertain me. The same is true for life. Learn to sit alone in your room and color or write stories. Just be entertained by your own brain: it’s endless, and it’s always there for you! Don’t be needy, nobody likes a needy kid. In fact, the opposite is true: if you’re hanging out by yourself, other people will wonder what the big deal is and will want to hang out with you. Trust. Me.

Have Fun
The best way to pass the time and keep yourself out of trouble (or get into trouble, depending on how you roll) is to have fun. It is your job, as a child, to have fun. It’s all we want when we’re little. Fun Fun Fun! Why does our need to be fueled by playing and laughter so often die in adulthood? Keep having fun: it will keep you entertained and it will piss off everyone who doesn’t like you. The worst thing you can do to someone who wants you to be unhappy is to be endlessly, unapologetically happy. Also, it’s contagious, and more people will want to be around you if you’re having a good time. I promise.

Don’t Be A Stupid Jerk
This is the last and maybe  most important piece of advice I can give you, as someone who has tried her hand at jerk-dom plenty of times. Bottom line: nobody likes a know-it-all, nobody likes a tattle tale, nobody likes the kid who takes his/her ball and goes home. You know what happens to that kid? They end up playing catch with the dog because nobody else will play with them. If you’re a jerk in life, the same will happen. People are smart and they will catch on to you being a jerk, quickly. Don’t start rumors, don’t try to sabotage anyone. We can all share, can’t we? You can take your ball and go home if you want to, but the only person having a bad time in that situation…is you.